I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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