good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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