jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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