shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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