I haven't been this sober since birth.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
