End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
