I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
