Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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