i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
