are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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