She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
