And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
