I just pynch a tree in the face
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
