I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
