How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
