I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
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