just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
