I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
