She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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