Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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