Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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