i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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