walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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