Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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