U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
