we're blogging at a bar
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
