I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
