My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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