The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
