Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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