Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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