Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
