Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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