im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
