I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
