I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
