Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize