When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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