I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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