Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
