i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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