Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
