Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
