life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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