Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
