i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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