She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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