dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
