Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
