Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
