The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
