I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
