Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
