i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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