You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
